Love her.
I saw this on facebook the other day and it resonated so deeply with me. In all my years of loving a man, I have yet to meet a man who is committed to understanding how I need to be loved. I always felt like I was committed to learning the man I love, but I’ve realized that I hear, but don’t truly listen. I see, but I don’t understand. Now, I am committed to learning how to change my own way of loving. To truly learn and embrace love in all of its forms. From the quiet, confident love to the outspoken, anxious love.
Love her. Through all of these phases. It will be worth it in the end.
~~~
“I had a male client communicate to me today: “she’s so hard. I want her to be softer. It pisses me off when she is so hard. What do I do? I keep telling her to be softer and to surrender in her femininity, but it’s not working.”
“Well firstly, you being annoyed by her “hardness” as you put it, is only going to support more hardness.” I replied.
She is already “soft” by nature. If she is not willing to be in that energy with you, there are parts of your being which she does not fully trust at this point.
An emotionally reactive and unclear man, is felt as a weak untrustworthy man. You don’t have to like it. It simply is what it is.
Even if her mind wants to trust you, her body will never feel safe enough to open in your company. It will brace in your presence. There will be an energetic cocooning as a form of protection. Not because you are a bad man, but because there are too many parts of you which are unclear, uncertain, and dispersive. This is unsafe for her on every level of love & surrender.
Men, you must realize to some degree what it means for her to be in a place of deep softness and receptivity with you. For you, it turns you on. For her, it’s risking life.
It requires her to release all order and control, which she has been forced to barricade up around herself, based on her past experiences with males.
This is what you are asking when you request for her to “surrender” more. You are inviting her into absolute exposure.
On top of that, you are also wanting to literally insert a part of your body up inside of her, in a way which allows you to have full control over how you move it inside of her, in the most sensitive part of her entire physicality. DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH TRUST THIS REQUIRES?
As men, we cannot ever truly feel the reality of this situation in our body, and what it must actually feel like when it is presented in a disconnected and hungry way.
On the other end of the scale, having such intimacy presented in a connected, sensitive and conscious way must be like taking silky rockets of love-drops, made of dark chocolate, to the milky way. Excuse me, I’m veering…
Basically, you are requiring her to bathe in oceans of vulnerability. A vulnerability which has been many times before you; used against her – disrespected, judged & dropped.
Based on all of this…why on earth would she trust a man who she hasn’t vetted repeatedly?
Welcome her challenge.
Welcome her moment to moment tests.
Realize it’s because she actually gives a damn about you. If she didn’t, she would never feel the need to test anything about you.
If any of this sounds like something you simply don’t want to engage with, then leave her alone. She can probably find someone safer than you.
What men need to see is the beauty in the challenge – the beauty present in the opportunity to demonstrate your wisdom and strength. This, is the dance.
If you are wanting to show up for yourself, for community, for her – regardless of how terrified you may be, beautiful! Stay there, in your integrity, and allow her to continuously experience you.
Finally, the question answered:
How do we as men experience woman in her softness?
Through learning how to LOVE HER.
Especially in her hardness. Especially in her anger. Especially in her frustration. Especially in her tension. Especially in all the places she has been mishandled and traumatized.
Love her!
And then love her more…if you want to.
If you don’t want to, there’s nothing wrong with that – But leave her the fuck alone. She doesn’t need another half-assed version of undercooked love. None of us do. If you are going to be there, at least commit to it.
You want her to be soft? Learn how to love her.
Much love,
Chris Bale
