The confirmation finally came from a friend – my ex, who wasted 6 years of my life while IN relationship and another 5 just trying to unf*ck my brain, met the woman he’s seeing in December of 2022. Remember, when we broke up it was because he didn’t want to “cohabitate or marry”, did not want to be fully committed, did not want a relationship at all. He said repeatedly that he wasn’t dating or interested in dating, but started dating right away. In March of 2023, he had sent me a screenshot that included his recently used emojis, consisting of kissy faces and hearts. These lies keep stacking up, and that date just made everything come crashing down. Nothing was true. None of it. Trying to maintain a friendship – lie. Having me around was absolving him of his guilt for lying through his drunken teeth, and that was…
He’s with someone new. I imagine he felt like this when he saw me with someone new back in 2016. The only difference is, he didn’t walk away. He made it his mission to get me back. To make me promises he knew he couldn’t keep, and make me choose. My stomach has turned inside out. My brain is on an endless loop. My integrity, however, unlike his was – says stay the *f away. And so I shall. In late spring, 2023, he sent me a text that included a screenshot he had with a friend – and in that screenshot were “recently used emojis”. Those emoji’s included hearts, kissy lips, kissy faces. I hadn’t seen those emoji’s since the fall of 2021 when we were still together. My heart sunk. I had told him, post break up, that if he ever decided to start dating, I wanted him…
I found a therapist in 2019 after several on-again, off-again bouts with my now ex-boyfriend. I really felt like my own childhood trauma was preventing me from having the relationship I very much wanted, and was willing to put in the work to figure that all out. I had not succeeded in my 53 years – so I felt it was long past time to have a very serious look in the mirror. My therapist suggested we try EMDR Therapy (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), which led me to this memory. Me, as a little girl, standing in the doorway watching my father pull out of the driveway for the last time. I was 6 years old. I was a daddy’s girl. We, my brother and I, had been shuffled back and forth for every-other weekend visitation for quite a while already. I remember crying, feeling devastated, and from that…
I’m not sure if it’s the past or the future – maybe both. My head and heart are suspended in this traumatic injury response mode. It doesn’t make any sense. Perhaps there were just too many events in the past year for me to cope or function normally. I would love to say I’m doing the best I can, but if I were, would I still be in this place? I can literally drive 3 hours with no radio, no music, no nothing. Just entertaining the thoughts in my head. Mourning over losses. Over changes. Teetering on the precipice of a decision, a change, something. Something has to give. My art isn’t where I want it to be. My finances aren’t where I want them to be. My head, my heart, my faith, my physique – you name it. I question my process. I question my own motives. I want…
If I could send a message to all men, it would be this. Don’t date, don’t talk to women, don’t even attempt to be anything more than friends with a woman if you are incapable of relinquishing your full heart. Don’t dangle a carrot in front of her, don’t use her in the hopes that you’ll figure it out – she’s not your therapist. Her heart is not a toy. It’s not FOR YOU if you can’t reciprocate with your full heart in return. Spare her the hoping that you’ll figure it out. The hoping you’ll change. The waiting. That’s not her job. It’s YOUR job to get your shit together, prepare yourself for a partner. For a full on wife. I have spent my entire adult life with men who haven’t done the work. It’s like I attract them. Bees to honey. Moths to a flame. Why? Do I…
I saw this on facebook the other day and it resonated so deeply with me. In all my years of loving a man, I have yet to meet a man who is committed to understanding how I need to be loved. I always felt like I was committed to learning the man I love, but I’ve realized that I hear, but don’t truly listen. I see, but I don’t understand. Now, I am committed to learning how to change my own way of loving. To truly learn and embrace love in all of its forms. From the quiet, confident love to the outspoken, anxious love. Love her. Through all of these phases. It will be worth it in the end. ~~~ “I had a male client communicate to me today: “she’s so hard. I want her to be softer. It pisses me off when she is so hard. What do…