It’s all a blur

I’m not sure if it’s the past or the future – maybe both. My head and heart are suspended in this traumatic injury response mode. It doesn’t make any sense. Perhaps there were just too many events in the past year for me to cope or function normally. I would love to say I’m doing the best I can, but if I were, would I still be in this place?

I can literally drive 3 hours with no radio, no music, no nothing. Just entertaining the thoughts in my head.

Mourning over losses. Over changes. Teetering on the precipice of a decision, a change, something.

Something has to give.

My art isn’t where I want it to be. My finances aren’t where I want them to be. My head, my heart, my faith, my physique – you name it. I question my process. I question my own motives. I want to purify my heart, my life.

I’m just not sure how to proceed.

I set intentions, I have goals – I wake up and begin the day with a moderately enthused baseline. That’s my natural state. Like life is just slowly draining out of me. I want to feel more energetic. Like happiness is my baseline. How the *&CK do I get to that space?

I should probably stop overthinking it. *cue ta-da chime*

The moment I took this photo, I was overthinking it. I even talked about how I see it one way in my head and it translates differently to the final image. When I went through my photos later on though, I bawled my fool head off the moment I saw it. Why?

Because the resulting image was SO MUCH BETTER than what I was going for, better than what I imagined.

I hope my life starts falling in line like that, too.