Full Hearted Fantasies

If I could send a message to all men, it would be this. Don’t date, don’t talk to women, don’t even attempt to be anything more than friends with a woman if you are incapable of relinquishing your full heart. Don’t dangle a carrot in front of her, don’t use her in the hopes that you’ll figure it out – she’s not your therapist. Her heart is not a toy. It’s not FOR YOU if you can’t reciprocate with your full heart in return. Spare her the hoping that you’ll figure it out. The hoping you’ll change. The waiting. That’s not her job. It’s YOUR job to get your shit together, prepare yourself for a partner. For a full on wife.

I have spent my entire adult life with men who haven’t done the work. It’s like I attract them. Bees to honey. Moths to a flame. Why? Do I look like I need another project?

I really don’t.

I also realize now, though, that just because I attract them doesn’t mean I have to engage. That’s on me. The problem is this: men present themselves in such a way that they make these promises and lure your in (see photo above), they do the sweetest things, make the sweetest gestures – and they truly get you believing in their potential. They paint a pretty picture. And never. fucking. execute.

Men, women are tired of teaching you lessons. Women seem to be the more self-aware gender, to me anyway – and my view is likely tainted because of the men that I seem to attract.

I’m self aware. But clearly I have work to do. I’m anxious in relationships – likely worsened because I keep putting my heart into the hands of men who don’t know what the fuck they’re supposed to do with it. My insecurities have worsened over the years, not improved – for the same reason. Believing in a future-faking man comes with a giant price tag: your whole view of men, future relationships, and love in general.

This outlet is for me – to figure it out. What is love, anyway? What does it mean to me? How does my heart fit into this world?

More to come.